


Chomp!

by katling



Series: Nano Procrastination Fics 2019 [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, Moderated because trolls are morons, No Actual Character Death, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Steve Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly, Pay attention to the tags, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), despite what it looks like, not team Cap friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-16 00:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21498787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katling/pseuds/katling
Summary: What is a flerken, you might ask? Well, one fine day in the middle of a meeting, Wanda and Steve find out. Goose is smug, Carol is done with all of this and Wanda... well, you'll see.
Series: Nano Procrastination Fics 2019 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543279
Comments: 87
Kudos: 1784
Collections: I Needed a Laugh Today, Salt is the spice of life





	Chomp!

**Author's Note:**

> Another Nano procrastination fic!

“Where did that cat come from?”

Steve wasn’t sure what it meant that it took that particular question from Wanda to finally make Tony look up from his tablet. For the entire meeting, Tony had been working away at something and Steve had wanted to take him to task for his rudeness but his one and only attempt to do so had led to him being reprimanded by Danvers for talking out of turn. Also, when Danvers had asked Tony a question, his answer had proven that not only had he been paying attention, he’d heard everything that had been said in the meeting.

But now he looked up and over at Wanda when she asked that question and Steve couldn’t quite read the expression on the man’s face. Tony seemed amused and intrigued and there was something indefinable that washed over his face before he turned to Danvers and raised an eyebrow, silently asking a question. Danvers’ mouth twitched into a tiny smile then she looked around the room.

“Don’t mind the cat. Goose is mine and he’s always been a bit wilful.”

Everyone on the other side of the room immediately relaxed and settled back into concentrating on what Danvers was saying but Steve couldn’t quite relax and neither could anyone on his side of the table. The cat, who had now jumped up on the table and was sitting there with its tail wrapped primly around its paws, was staring at them in a truly unnerving way. Steve wanted to insist that the cat be removed from the room but from the way everyone on Tony’s side of the room was ignoring it, he doubted he’d get anywhere.

He tried to concentrate on what Danvers was saying but the damn cat kept staring at them, Wanda in particular. It never moved, it never made a sound, just sat there and stared. It was only when Danvers started talking about Wanda that he dragged his attention away from the cat.

“Now,” Danvers said. “We’ve had some inquiries regarding Ms Maximoff that we can no longer dismiss or ignore. As you know, some of our off world allies asked to review all files and footage regarding the Ultron incident, given that it’s the first time anybody has good records of what the Mind Stone can do when it is allowed to act on its own.”

Steve frowned. He remembered some talk about this but had dismissed it. Everyone knew that Ultron was Tony’s fault and that he’d someone managed to trick the official investigation into clearing his name. The Avengers hadn’t forgotten though. That was why they’d had to keep Tony in check. He hadn’t known that Danvers had actually turned over the files and footage but he quickly shrugged. It didn’t matter. All it would do was prove that Tony was to blame.

“They’re still putting together their formal report and observations for us but they’ve given me a heads up on what will be in it,” Danvers was saying. She turned to Tony. “There are a few people who would like to talk to you about JARVIS. They didn’t realise there was anyone on Terra with the skill and intelligence to create such a sophisticated AI and they’d like to help you recover him.”

Tony looked gobsmacked. “Re…cover him?” he said, sounding a bit dazed and Steve noticed that the late afternoon sunlight streaming into the room made it look like there were red highlights in Tony’s eyes. It was a nice effect.

Danvers frowned and Steve didn’t noticed for a moment that the cat had shifted just a little closer to Wanda. She seemed unconcerned and actually looked a little like she wanted to pet the cat. It actually set Steve’s mind at ease. If Wanda didn’t find anything wrong in the cat then he must be overreacting. The cat was just being a cat.

“Yes,” Danvers said slowly. “Tony? JARVIS would have had a backup, wouldn’t he?”

Tony blinked and the red highlights became more noticeable. “I… don’t know.”

“Tony,” Danvers said carefully. She looked over at Strange and raised an eyebrow before turning back to Tony. “Can you look at me?”

Tony did so and he raised his head, Steve noticed that the angle caused the red highlights to fade. It was a shame. They made Tony’s eyes look very pretty, contrasting as they did with the warm brown. Danvers’ frown deepened and Strange came up to crouch next to Tony’s chair, his ridiculous cloak flaring out behind him.

“Tony?” Strange said, his voice low and soothing. “May I use a small spell on you? It won’t harm you.”

Tony shrugged. “Sure.”

Steve frowned and wanted to protest. Tony shouldn’t be so cavalier around magic. He had no idea what this Strange character was going to do to him. How could he just trust him like that? He opened his mouth to voice that but suddenly realised that the cat was glaring at him. It was so unnerving that he lost his train of thought until the golden flare of Strange’s magic engulfed Tony.

For a moment, nothing happened then the strange golden markings that had settled into Tony’s skin flared bright and drew back, taking with them a swirling, malevolent, red cloud. There was a split second of silence as they all stared at the twin magics, then three things happened almost simultaneously, certainly too quickly for Steve to stop them.

Firstly, the golden magic shrank around the red magic and destroyed it, leaving nothing more than a few red-gold flecks that floated down to the table and disappeared. Secondly, Wanda shrieked, first in pain and then in pure unadulterated madness and rage, and her magic lashed out at Tony. Thirdly, before Wanda’s magic could touch Tony, the cat suddenly… ate Wanda.

Everyone except for Tony and Danvers lurched backwards when the cat’s mouth opened and instead of just the ordinary cat’s teeth one might expect, there was a gaping maw full of tentacles that grabbed Wanda and yanked her in. The cat’s mouth then closed for a moment before opening again so that the cat could yawn and lick its chops. It then stood, sauntered over to Tony, jumped down into his lap and began headbutting his chest and face, demanding to be petted. Tony gave into that demand and started scratching behind the cat’s ears. He seemed both unnerved and yet entirely unsurprised.

“What was she doing to me?” Tony asked, looking at Strange.

Now Steve found his voice. “She wasn’t doing anything! And how can you just all _sit_ there when that cat _ate_ her?”

“Goose isn’t a cat, Rogers,” Danvers said, raising an eyebrow. “He’s a flerken.”

Steve spluttered. “That’s not an answer! It killed Wanda!”

Danvers raised an eyebrow. “Maybe but probably not. Flerkens don’t necessarily consume everything they eat.”

“Perhaps an explanation might be in order,” Natasha said, eying the cat and the way Tony was fussing over it with a bland expression.

“Flerkens have pocket dimensions in their stomachs,” Danvers said. “I suspect Wanda is in one of those until we have a better place to put her.”

“You can put her right back here,” Steve demanded, slamming his hand on the table.

“I’m afraid not,” Danvers said, looking highly unimpressed. “Even if our offworld allies didn’t have severe concerns about her, the results of Stephen’s spell is grounds for disciplinary action.”

“Ms Maximoff had been tampering with Tony’s mind,” Strange said, radiating disapproval. “For quite some time too. She will be facing disciplinary actions from the Masters of the Mystic Arts for her disgusting misuse of magic.”

Steve looked at Tony, hoping he would say something to fix this, but Tony was concentrating solely on patting the cat-thing. As he watched, Danvers and Strange exchanged glances and Strange nodded.

“Jim?” Danvers said. “Can you take Tony somewhere he’ll feel safe? Goose is keeping him calm for now but he’s probably going to have an epic meltdown of some description fairly soon.”

Rhodes nodded, his brow creased with worry, and stood, the whirring of his braces clearly audible in the quiet room. He walked over and crouched down next to Tony.

“Come on, Tones. Let’s take Goose down to your workshop. You can introduce him to the kids.”

Tony nodded amiably and gathered Goose up in his arms. The cat-thing looked over at Steve and he could have sworn it was smug as it purred audibly but he didn’t have time to really grasp that before Rhodes and Tony had left the room.

“I’ll gather some of the Masters if you really think that Goose will return her alive,” Strange said.

“I think he will,” Danvers replied and Strange nodded and also left the room.

“You can’t treat Wanda like that?” Steve said firmly and with a decisive nod.

Danvers just raised an eyebrow at him. “Why not?”

“She’s just a kid!”

Danvers gave him a long look. “Rogers, you do realise that she’s twenty-six,” she said with open concern. “She’s far from being a child.”

“She’s had a rough life,” Steve countered. “Her parents dying due to Tony’s bomb…”

Danvers held up one hand. “Okay, I’m going to stop you there. That bomb had nothing to do with Tony.”

“Yes, it did,” Steve insisted.

Danvers raised her eyebrow again then looked at Natasha. “Did you all get the report? I was told it was emailed to everyone.”

Natasha hesitated then when Danvers’ expression hardened, she said, “Yes, we did.”

“Did Rogers receive it? And read it?”

Natasha didn’t look in his direction even once. “Yes, he did. On both counts.”

Danvers gave Natasha a cynical look then turned back to Steve. “Okay, you so received and read the report that proved that HYDRA made copies of Stark Industries weapons and used them in Sokovia.”

“That was from a HYDRA agent,” Steve snapped. “He was probably lying.”

“Maximoff was a HYDRA agent, so what does that say about her?” Danvers said dryly.

Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “Wanda was tricked!”

Danvers gave him another very long look and he actually found himself shifting uncomfortably under the weight of it. He stopped himself then raised his chin defiantly. Danvers didn’t seem impressed and she murmured quietly to the man sitting next to her. Steve didn’t approve of Daredevil. He always wore his costume and never let them see his face. It was just plain rude.

“Alright,” Danvers said briskly. “I think we’ll bring this meeting to a close until we’ve dealt with the Maximoff issue. We should be able to reschedule for tomorrow or the day after so let us know if you’re unavailable.”

That was another thing Steve disapproved of. Too many of these new Avengers had jobs. How could they dedicate themselves to saving the world if they were off working somewhere? He’d tried to speak about it to any number of people but hadn’t gotten anywhere. In fact, he’d heard that the Accords Council were even thinking about making working, at least part time, mandatory for all Avengers. It was ridiculous!

“Steve?”

He looked up into the concerned face of Sam and smiled. “It’s okay, Sam. We’ll get Wanda back and make sure this… flerken or whatever is locked up. It’s clearly dangerous.”

“Right,” Sam said a little warily. Steve didn’t blame him. He wouldn’t want to get too close to such a dangerous creature either.

Steve got to his feet and left the conference room, his mind abuzz with plans. He didn’t notice Danvers talking to Natasha and Scott nor did he notice when Sam began gently herding him towards the medical bay. He was going to free Wanda and then make sure things changed around here. He had to! He was Captain America, after all!

**Author's Note:**

> No, Wanda isn't actually dead. Flerkens apparently can have different dimensions in some of their stomachs so Wanda's been shoved into one of those until Goose feels like letting her out.
> 
> And yes, Carol is deeply concerned about Rogers and thinks he's either stupid, has suffered brain damage from his time in the ice or that Wanda's also been screwing with his mind. I'll let you decide which one you prefer.


End file.
